Love Lost

“Love entered in my heart one day
A sad, unwelcome guest.
But when it begged that it might stay
I let it stay and rest

It broke my nights with sorrowing
It filled my heart with fears
And, when my soul was prone to sing,
It filled my eyes with tears.

But...now that it has gone its way,
I miss the dear ole pain.
And, sometimes, in the night I pray
That Love might come again.”  

J. California Cooper



I am grieving for my marriage tonight. It has been a busy, wonderful day. But, all the little things of the day remind me of my missing husband. How I had to get both the babies in and out of the car several times without his help. When my aunt and uncle didn't ask about how he's doing. The way I wanted to call him and gush about what a great time the kids had today.

My therapist says, "Grieve the gap". That means to properly mourn for what should/would/could have been, what you needed, what you really deserved. Recognize that you needed more, and mourn for the loss of something you never got. Something so intangible, for me, sometimes brings up mixed and unclear feelings. Allowing myself to recognize that I'm grieving and giving myself permission to go through the stages of grief is healing. Some days I'm incredibly angry about what I've missed out on because of my husband's choices. Other times, I feel like I've accepted my current reality and am ready to move on.

November 2010, shortly after getting engaged

Grief for me is never a linear process. It's more like rain falling on a lake. The rain first starts heavy and fast, stirring the smooth surface of the lake in many different places, many different emotions. As it slows and eventually stops, isolated raindrops sometimes fall from nearby trees, creating ripples long after the rain is gone. Grief is sneaky like that. You can feel "all better" until you hear a song that takes you back, pass a place you used to go together, think about something he used to say, or smell his brand of shampoo. Then maybe you're in denial again for just a minute. It's okay. That's the way it goes. It's amazing how letting yourself feel those emotions actually resolves your feelings.

Mr. M says I'm handling this better than he is. I don't know that I honestly am. It's just that I won't let myself be destroyed by this. I have a future. I've seen glimpses of it from time to time. If he's not in my future, it's okay. Someone else will be. I have a glorious life ahead.

Final Thought

“Sadness flies away on the wings of time."

Jean de La Fontaine

My Soul Like Spring

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

How Firm a Foundation, Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints



There is much I am afraid of tonight.  Most nights, I don't go to bed until late because I go to bed alone and have very vivid nightmares. Tonight, I foolishly watched a movie depicting domestic violence and I'm in no hurry to sleep. My husband never beat me. He never physically abused me. Sometimes, I feel like the abuse is all in my head. I know people who have done so much worse than my husband. Does that invalidate my suffering just because the situation could be worse? I feel like people look at my situation and say that. I feel like I have to say, "I really was abused. It was horrible."

I need to find some way to let go. To be okay if people don't understand. Even if it's people that are close to me. I lost a dear friend through this experience. We would spend time together, but I was so detached. I think she misread me and took it personally, having no idea about what was really going on. I haven't talked to her since about the time I was impregnated during an instance of sexual assault.

Looking back, I can see that I was numb, sort of sleepwalking through existence, the same way I was after my oldest son died. I feel like I'm just barely starting to come back to myself. My emotions are waking up, like flowers poking through the dirt in Spring. Fear, anger, elation, confidence, hurt, loneliness, insecurity, joy. Sometimes I feel even manic. I'm waking up. The birds are singing. It's raining. There's mud and dirt, slushy snow melting. Happy voices playing in the yard.

photo credit Charlotte Williams 2013

Things will change. Things can grow again. My life will be as flowers springing up between the weeds. I will cultivate the good and pluck out the bad. I have hope. You cannot simply remove fear. You must push it out with faith.

Final Thought

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

2 Timothy 1:7

Deep Beauty

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Miss Piggy, The Muppets


No, I don't condone giving black eyes, but I needed a little laugh today. Inner beauty has been on my mind. Last week after a great talk with my husband, I could see on his face that he saw me as beautiful for the first time in a long time. Not physically beautiful, but deeply beautiful. He was really listening to me as I shared my convictions and beliefs with him about things that are very dear to me.

There's a video that I love that goes along great with the kinds of things I've been thinking, called Deep Beauty, via mormonchannel.org. Watch and enjoy!

Below is one of my favorite pictures of myself. It was taken in the morning in my son's bedroom mirror at about 10am right after I changed a poopy diaper. I hadn't showered, brushed my hair, gotten properly dressed, or even brushed my teeth. But I'm in love with this picture because of what it shows.

 

 

In this picture, I see myself as a devoted mother. I love what I do. Mornings are my favorite times with my kids. They're rested and energetic. They're cuddly and fresh, and incredibly photogenic (plus, that's when the natural lighting is best in my house).

 

Above me- watching over me, protecting me, guiding me, loving me and my sweet children- is Christ. I imagine mornings must be good for him, too. He gets to see me rested and excited for another day. Mornings are when I am most patient and kind.

 

I am earnestly striving to be more like the person I am on these mornings- a more internally beautiful person. More patient. More grateful. More loving. More kind. More Christlike. That's what deep beauty is about. I am becoming more beautiful as I am refined by the fire of my trials, just as gold is purified from its imperfections by the furnace.

 

 

Final Thought

 

More purity give me,

More strength to o'ercome,

More freedom from earth-stains,

More longing for home.

More fit for the kingdom,

More used would I be,

More blessed and holy--

More, Savior, like thee.

 

More Holiness Give Me, Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

Let It Be

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

"Let It Be", The Beatles


One of the hardest things about life, in my opinion, is learning to accept the choices that other people make, especially when it causes pain for themselves or others. I often think of this song when I think things like...

"Why doesn't he...?"
"They should have..."
"This isn't the way it should be."
"What the heck did she do that for?!"
"That's not fair."
"Doesn't he know... ?"

After I found out about my husband's addiction to sex and pornography, he sexually assaulted me repeatedly. I felt beaten down and trapped. He broke our marriage vows, and hurt me physically and emotionally in a time of vulnerability. That was a pain deeper than anything else I have experienced. The deep aching in my heart turned me to God. As I searched for the answer to why this happened to me, I heard a phrase repeatedly.

All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

I thought about that over and over. "How," I thought, "can this pain be made right? How can it be erased?" I asked for months. The answer I found is that He doesn't erase it. Sometimes the pain can't be taken away. But, He can compensate for it.

God says to us, "My dearest child, my heart aches for you. I'm sorry that you are suffering. Agency is essential to my plan. I can't stop that, but I can heal you. Not only will I heal you, but I will make you better and stronger than before. Christ has suffered this for you. He knows what it feels like. He knows how to overcome it. Let him show you the way."

"...And he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:12)

It is His compensating gift to us; a better and stronger self.

 

Final Thought

God is the giver of perfect gifts. What has He given you today?

Releasing Ravens

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone


I keep dreaming of being hunted. I hide, I run, I fight, but I can never get away. I'm shot. I'm trapped. I'm beaten. Sometimes I'm alone, and sometimes I'm desperately trying to protect my children. As I go through therapy for PTSD, the dreams have been getting worse. I'm told that's normal.

Part of my reason for starting this blog is to have an emotional outlet. There's something freeing about writing. I feel like I'm unlocking a cage and forcing a dark, black bird out into the sky. I admit that it's there and others can see it, too. Many of the darknesses held in my heart are secrets that others have expected me to keep.

I am a survivor of multiple rapes and sexual assaults. A stranger, an acquaintance, my former best friend, and my husband have all participated in sexually abusing me at different times. One day, I hope to do more than just survive. I want to thrive, to grow, to heal. I want to forgive. I want to trust again. I want to love without fear and without pain. I want to live. I want to love my life again. I want to enjoy the beauty in my world. I want to be stronger for my children.

 photo credit: Charlotte Williams 2013

Final Thought

"We are infinitely more than our limitations and our afflictions."

Jeffrey R. Holland

God Loves Single Moms

Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another?
Lord- I would follow thee.

Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints


This week has been very blessed, as my brother says when he's having "growing experiences". He wrote to me this week and told me to look for the ways I see God's love in my life. After reading his email, my eyes were opened. I have had many shoulders to lean on. I have been finding many opportunities to work and earn money temporarily, while still being a stay-at-home mom. The separation from my husband has been very civil, and even friendly. In fact, it's the best that we've gotten along in about a year.

A neighbor of mine invited me to lunch with her friend and their children. The chance to socialize was rejuvenating! I'm so glad that she thought to invite me. Charlie doesn't get to be with other children his age very often, so it was adorable to see him toddling around with all the little girls. They all got along great! I'm feeling a serious need for a regular playgroup.

My thoughts are scattered today, but I'll leave you a picture of why I do what I do. Why I hang on through all the crap life throws at me. It's for my children. I live for their smiles, seeing their growth, watching them play, and checking in on them when they sleep.

 

 

Final Thought

 

"God loves you- each of you. That love never changes... It is simply always there."

 

Thomas S. Monson

I'm Nobody! Who Are You?

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

-Emily Dickinson


Please bask in the irony of starting my public blog with this poem. What would Emily think of this day and age? Anyone from anywhere can spill their guts to the world as long as they have an internet connection. So here I am, one of many, spilling my guts.

This is me, front and center with two of my kiddos. On the left is Baby Noah (age three months) , looking a little nervous about Brother holding him. On the right is Charlie (age eighteen months) looking a little nervous about holding his brother. And I'm saying to Mr. M, "Hurry up and take the picture while everyone's still happy!".

A couple of things that define me...

...mother
...wife
...(very) young adult
...stay at home mom
...sister
...asthmatic
...survivor
...volunteer
...Mormon
...friend
...night person
...pasta lover
...dog owner

Final Thought

"When you stop doing things for fun, you might as well be dead."

-Ernest Hemingway