For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
How Firm a Foundation, Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
There is much I am afraid of tonight. Most nights, I don't go to bed until late because I go to bed alone and have very vivid nightmares. Tonight, I foolishly watched a movie depicting domestic violence and I'm in no hurry to sleep. My husband never beat me. He never physically abused me. Sometimes, I feel like the abuse is all in my head. I know people who have done so much worse than my husband. Does that invalidate my suffering just because the situation could be worse? I feel like people look at my situation and say that. I feel like I have to say, "I really was abused. It was horrible."
I need to find some way to let go. To be okay if people don't understand. Even if it's people that are close to me. I lost a dear friend through this experience. We would spend time together, but I was so detached. I think she misread me and took it personally, having no idea about what was really going on. I haven't talked to her since about the time I was impregnated during an instance of sexual assault.
Looking back, I can see that I was numb, sort of sleepwalking through existence, the same way I was after my oldest son died. I feel like I'm just barely starting to come back to myself. My emotions are waking up, like flowers poking through the dirt in Spring. Fear, anger, elation, confidence, hurt, loneliness, insecurity, joy. Sometimes I feel even manic. I'm waking up. The birds are singing. It's raining. There's mud and dirt, slushy snow melting. Happy voices playing in the yard.
photo credit Charlotte Williams 2013
Things will change. Things can grow again. My life will be as flowers springing up between the weeds. I will cultivate the good and pluck out the bad. I have hope. You cannot simply remove fear. You must push it out with faith.
Final Thought
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7
No comments:
Post a Comment