For Me, Too.

"Do I wanna know? If this feeling flows both ways. Sad to see you go. Was sorta hoping that you'd stay. Baby we both know That the nights were mainly made For saying things that you can't say tomorrow day. Crawling back to you. Ever thought of calling when you've had a few? Cause I always do. Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for someone new. Now I've thought it through."

Arctic Monkeys


This last weekend, I had a couple really good days with Mr. M. At my weekly therapy session, I mentioned to my therapist that I had made up my mind to let him go, until those couple of good days... I also expressed the fear that this might be the "honeymoon" phase in the cycle of abuse directly following an incident (which we had about two weeks ago). She advised me to watch behavior and see if it cycles again.

Guess what? It did. That very night. Two hours on the phone- arguing, apologizing, begging, pleading for him to care about me and the affect that his behavior has on the children. Words lie, but actions don't. He yelled, he blamed, he patronized, he detached, he deflected, he put up his walls. After all that, all I got were empty commitments to try recovery again with no plan, no real conviction to stick it out through the hard parts. He got angry and defensive when I tried to ask what "better" looks like to him and how he's going to get there. I got worse than nothing. False hope.

It's time to let go.

Let go.

Let him go.



Somewhere in those two hours on the phone, I told him that someday he's finally going to do or say something that I can't get over. Someday, something in my heart is going to break irreparably and I won't be able to love him anymore. I have tried at this over and over because I deeply, passionately, unconditionally love him. When does the pain eclipse the ability to love and forgive?

I begged him to change while he still had a chance with our family. I have never begged for anything from anyone the way I beg him to change and come back. I feel like such a fool every time I do and he says my name in that way, like he's speaking to an unreasonable child. He has no respect for me. It's gone. Maybe he never really did respect me to begin with.

Let him go.

Maybe if I say it enough, I'll start to accept it. I'm certainly not there yet. I keep crawling back to him in my weak moments, like he's a drug I can't quit. I feel pathetic and stupid. I feel like if people know my situation, they would ask me why in the world I stay. I've actually had that reaction from people before. It's like they look at me, wondering why in the world I'm foolish enough to stay with a man who uses me the way Mr. M does.

Let go.

I guess I don't think I deserve any better. Sometimes, I feel like this marriage is my punishment for getting knocked up right out of high school. I deserve it. Even though I'm not the girl I used to be, some part of my heart still believes I am a bad, horrible, sinful, criminal person... And always will be.

But then I have to consciously shake myself and present the opposing evidence. My life has changed dramatically since Mr. M and I started dating. I abandoned my eating disorder to have healthy children. I keep myself far away from drugs, alcohol, and situations that would test my morals. I love and believe in God. He is the power that carried me through the loss of my son, and continues to guide me through my present situation. I work so hard in school, keeping the end in mind. I'm doing this for my babies and for me. So we can all have a better future. I am a good mother. I say it, then doubt, then say it again. Perfection is far out of my reach, but I am doing my very best. I love my children deeply and passionately. They are my world. I try desperately to see their needs, hear their desires, read what their faces tell me, and connect with their souls.

For their sakes...

For mine...

It's time to let go.

Final Thought

"Courage, dear heart."

C.S. Lewis