Along for the Ride

Dear Blog,

I have been neglecting you. Life is going a million miles an hour and it's dragging me along for the ride.

The boys have gone to daycare twice. It kills me to not be home with them myself. They seem to like it and the lady who takes care of them is great. I appreciate them more when I come to pick them up.

I ordered textbooks today. I'm starting school in about a week and a half. I never thought I would be going to college. Sometimes I wondered if I was going to graduate high school. I was doing my final test at 1pm on the day of graduation. Talk about a close call. College feels like the right thing to do. I'm excited and nervous and stressed and hopeful. I feel like my Superman will be at Weber State.

The weekend after school starts, I'm moving back in with my parents. I wish I could stay out on my own, but home is the place for me. I have all my siblings together right now. I feel supported and loved. Extended family members have been wonderful about reaching out to me and encouraging me. Today, as I was about to do something mildly stupid, I got a text from my uncle. He told me that he was proud of me and warned me about how the Devil tries to mess up good things that are going for us. The timing was perfect. I am so grateful that he was inspired, and even more grateful that he listened.

I had one completely positive, ten-minute experience with Mr. M this week. That's one more than I've had all month. I don't know what happened, but it was good and I'll accept it. We'll call it "cautious optimism". I hope things are turning around for him, but I'm not banking on it. He bought me a DVD and kissed the kids as they were sleeping. I still love him and sometimes I miss who he used to be, but I know this is the right thing to do.

The boys and I have been getting on an earlier schedule. Don't judge me, but our normal bedtime has been around 11pm. Tonight, the kids were both in bed and asleep by 9:15! When classes start, we'll all have to be in bed early so we're not zombies when we have to be up before the sun. I feel like most of my life is just taken up with the business of living; cooking, cleaning, paying bills, grocery shopping, making calls, bathing children, etc. It's so busy that I feel like I just lose myself in all of it. Sometimes, I'm okay with that. It distracts me from the pain and disappointment that comes from my broken marriage.

Sometimes I feel very disconnected from myself. I think it's a "safety mechanism" my brain has learned from all the sexual assaults I've suffered over the years. When I finally feel safe and stable, I'll work on tackling that wall. Right now, it's all I can do to just hold on while life floors it. Today is about survival. I'm alive. I'm breathing.

Love Always...
Mrs. M

A Step Into Darkness

"A ship is safe in harbor, but that is not what a ship was built for."

William H. Shedd



Yesterday, I had my first "foot zoning" experience. Foot zoning is a type of applied reflexology focusing solely on the feet. Sole-ly. Get it? Ha ha.

Anyway, it's based on the idea that the body is inner-connected to itself. There are points on the feet that correspond to other body parts. So the idea is that you can resolve problems with the body by working trouble spots on the feet. That was a really poor description, but Google it if I'm making no sense to you. I find stuff like that totally fascinating.

My siblings, mother, and a family friend have all tried it and told me a little about their experiences. Apparently, it's totally normal for the treatment to be somewhat painful. Mine was very painful. The lady who does it told me a little bit about what she was doing as she went along. First, before she had even really talked to me or found out anything about me, she used a Butterfly Express essential oil blend on me called "Assurance". This is the company's description of what the blend is good for:

"Assurance is an especially good choice when there is a need to overcome feelings of anxiety, fear, or apathy that leads to procrastination. This blend can aid us in getting back to the task at hand or back to life in general. It helps to sort out the reasons for the reluctance we are experiencing about working toward or achieving our goals. This blend was created to help us find self-confidence and self-assurance. It provides the enthusiasm to achieve our goals."

 

I found her choice very fascinating. It very much fits with the things I'm experiencing right now. With getting into school, finding childcare, and even with blogging, I've been sluggish. I don't want to believe that this is really my life. I guess subconsciously I just keep waiting for myself to wake up from this nightmare. I feel very trapped. Seriously thinking about my situation brings up feelings of panic.

 

 

As this woman was working on my feet, she told me that I have a very deeply buried emotion that my body is not ready to let go of just yet. As she talked to me about it and worked on the corresponding spot on my foot, I could remember the feeling she was talking about. It was an overwhelming feeling of panic. A feeling of being trapped, with no one to save me and without the ability to save myself. That is the feeling that drove me to cutting and suicide attempts as a teenager.

 

As she talked to me about the emotion, she also mentioned that burying emotions can be a form of self-preservation. In a moment or situation when it is mentally unsafe to process what's happening to us, our body and brain locks it away. We are then able to focus just on survival until a time that we are safe again. As I thought about what she was telling me, I knew that she was right. It's there and I'm aware of it, but I'm not safely out of the trauma yet. I'm not divorced yet or in a sufficiently stable situation. While I am separated from Mr. M, it's not enough yet. I need the distance of time between us before I can really process everything that happened to me in our marriage. The more I examine the abuse, the more I discover. Sometimes I wonder how I couldn't see what was happening to me. But I guess it comes back to survival. If I had realized what was going on without the strength or ability to leave, I would have lost my mind.

 

The human brain is really incredible. It's so resilient, resourceful, and self-preserving. In my opinion, PTSD is one of those survival mechanisms that the brain employs to protect itself. It's really amazing what our bodies can do.

 

 

Final Thought

 

"You don't have to see the whole staircase... Just take the first step."

 

Martin Luther King Jr.

Someday...

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

Joseph Campbell


Today I listed my wedding band for sale to help pay for the divorce. That seems really big and really final. I don't really know how I should feel about it. I guess I'm feeling emotionally detached. I'm really ready for this marriage to be over. It's really sad to have to say that, but I'm just done. I have been blessed with clarity and discernment. Especially when I speak to Mr. M, I can just see so clearly how he is trying to manipulate me and control me. No more. I'm finished.

I feel like he isn't taking this seriously. I wonder if it will all become real to him when he's being served with divorce papers or when it's declared final. I wish he would wake up. I definitely feel like he doesn't believe that I'm going through with this.

There have been moments, like when my mom and I were dancing with the boys during the end credits of "Frozen" or when my brother had Charlie up on his shoulders at the airport picking up Chad, that I know Mr. M has no idea what he's missing out on. It makes me so sad for the moment that he does finally understand. My boys are the greatest joy I have ever experienced.

Someday, they will have a stepfather that will love them as his own. He will love them, guide them, teach them, and be a good example of what a man should be. He will be respectful of women and children. He will be kind. He will be emotionally engaged.

I've come to realize that my life is still rich and full of joy. Nothing that Mr. M does can rob me of that. I still have a bright, shining future without him. I will lose no blessings and no positive experiences because of him. That is what God promises me as I continue to obey him.

Final Thought

"Ordinary people who faithfully, diligently, and consistently do simple things that are right before God will bring forth extraordinary results."

David A. Bednar

Defining Superman

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

 You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

Death Cab for Cutie


I have been blessed to know that I'm not done having kids. Because of that knowledge, I can infer that there's someone that someday I will not be afraid to be intimate with. My therapist and I call this mystery man "Superman". He's my yet unknown future husband. It's a useful exercise to mentally detach myself from past relationships, including my marriage, and create from scratch my ideal man.

I know very well that my Superman will not be perfect. At the same time, I need to have a conscious idea of what I want in a man. Otherwise, it's very easy to fall back into an abusive relationship. It's consciously breaking the cycle. As I've looked back on how I came to marry an abusive man, I've realized that nearly all of the people I have been in relationships with have been addicted to something or became addicted later. Those addictions have ranged from illegal drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, and prescription drugs. For the sake of myself and my children, I desperately need to find someone different than I've ever had before.

In mentally creating my Superman, I've come up with three categories: Non-negotiable, Important, and Bonus. "Non-negotiable" are the things I absolutely have to have in my new relationship. The "Important" category are things that are very important, but could have a little flexibility for my imperfect, human Superman and are about a half step behind the "Non-negotiable" category. "Bonus" is the category that is kind of like elective classes. They aren't essential to your major, but they're fun. They're things that are fun to dream about, but certainly not deal breakers if they aren't present.

Non-Negotiable

Temple worthy
Loves God
No history of being an abuser
No history of pornography use
Ready for and seeking marriage
Wants children
Will love my children as his own
Respectful of women and children

Important

Has a sense of direction for his future
Involved in secondary education
Understanding about my past abuse
Good listener
Kind and gentle
Willing to participate in pre-marital counseling
Believes in staying out of debt
Treats my needs and wants with respect
Is safe to share my hopes and dreams with

Bonus

Bilingual
Likes to travel
Outgoing
Athletic
Funny
Musically inclined

This list is certainly not all-inclusive, but it's a good starting place. I'm sure I'll add to it as I consider more in-depth what is really essential to me in a relationship. It's essential for me to start somewhere.

Final Thought

"Sandwiched between their 'Once Upon a Time' and their 'Happily Ever After', they all had to experience great adversity."

Dieter F. Uchtdorf