Defining Superman

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

 You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

Death Cab for Cutie


I have been blessed to know that I'm not done having kids. Because of that knowledge, I can infer that there's someone that someday I will not be afraid to be intimate with. My therapist and I call this mystery man "Superman". He's my yet unknown future husband. It's a useful exercise to mentally detach myself from past relationships, including my marriage, and create from scratch my ideal man.

I know very well that my Superman will not be perfect. At the same time, I need to have a conscious idea of what I want in a man. Otherwise, it's very easy to fall back into an abusive relationship. It's consciously breaking the cycle. As I've looked back on how I came to marry an abusive man, I've realized that nearly all of the people I have been in relationships with have been addicted to something or became addicted later. Those addictions have ranged from illegal drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, and prescription drugs. For the sake of myself and my children, I desperately need to find someone different than I've ever had before.

In mentally creating my Superman, I've come up with three categories: Non-negotiable, Important, and Bonus. "Non-negotiable" are the things I absolutely have to have in my new relationship. The "Important" category are things that are very important, but could have a little flexibility for my imperfect, human Superman and are about a half step behind the "Non-negotiable" category. "Bonus" is the category that is kind of like elective classes. They aren't essential to your major, but they're fun. They're things that are fun to dream about, but certainly not deal breakers if they aren't present.

Non-Negotiable

Temple worthy
Loves God
No history of being an abuser
No history of pornography use
Ready for and seeking marriage
Wants children
Will love my children as his own
Respectful of women and children

Important

Has a sense of direction for his future
Involved in secondary education
Understanding about my past abuse
Good listener
Kind and gentle
Willing to participate in pre-marital counseling
Believes in staying out of debt
Treats my needs and wants with respect
Is safe to share my hopes and dreams with

Bonus

Bilingual
Likes to travel
Outgoing
Athletic
Funny
Musically inclined

This list is certainly not all-inclusive, but it's a good starting place. I'm sure I'll add to it as I consider more in-depth what is really essential to me in a relationship. It's essential for me to start somewhere.

Final Thought

"Sandwiched between their 'Once Upon a Time' and their 'Happily Ever After', they all had to experience great adversity."

Dieter F. Uchtdorf