William H. Shedd
Yesterday, I had my first "foot zoning" experience. Foot zoning is a type of applied reflexology focusing solely on the feet. Sole-ly. Get it? Ha ha.
Anyway, it's based on the idea that the body is inner-connected to itself. There are points on the feet that correspond to other body parts. So the idea is that you can resolve problems with the body by working trouble spots on the feet. That was a really poor description, but Google it if I'm making no sense to you. I find stuff like that totally fascinating.
My siblings, mother, and a family friend have all tried it and told me a little about their experiences. Apparently, it's totally normal for the treatment to be somewhat painful. Mine was very painful. The lady who does it told me a little bit about what she was doing as she went along. First, before she had even really talked to me or found out anything about me, she used a Butterfly Express essential oil blend on me called "Assurance". This is the company's description of what the blend is good for:
"Assurance is an especially good choice when there is a need to overcome feelings of anxiety, fear, or apathy that leads to procrastination. This blend can aid us in getting back to the task at hand or back to life in general. It helps to sort out the reasons for the reluctance we are experiencing about working toward or achieving our goals. This blend was created to help us find self-confidence and self-assurance. It provides the enthusiasm to achieve our goals."
I found her choice very fascinating. It very much fits with the things I'm experiencing right now. With getting into school, finding childcare, and even with blogging, I've been sluggish. I don't want to believe that this is really my life. I guess subconsciously I just keep waiting for myself to wake up from this nightmare. I feel very trapped. Seriously thinking about my situation brings up feelings of panic.
As this woman was working on my feet, she told me that I have a very deeply buried emotion that my body is not ready to let go of just yet. As she talked to me about it and worked on the corresponding spot on my foot, I could remember the feeling she was talking about. It was an overwhelming feeling of panic. A feeling of being trapped, with no one to save me and without the ability to save myself. That is the feeling that drove me to cutting and suicide attempts as a teenager.
As she talked to me about the emotion, she also mentioned that burying emotions can be a form of self-preservation. In a moment or situation when it is mentally unsafe to process what's happening to us, our body and brain locks it away. We are then able to focus just on survival until a time that we are safe again. As I thought about what she was telling me, I knew that she was right. It's there and I'm aware of it, but I'm not safely out of the trauma yet. I'm not divorced yet or in a sufficiently stable situation. While I am separated from Mr. M, it's not enough yet. I need the distance of time between us before I can really process everything that happened to me in our marriage. The more I examine the abuse, the more I discover. Sometimes I wonder how I couldn't see what was happening to me. But I guess it comes back to survival. If I had realized what was going on without the strength or ability to leave, I would have lost my mind.
The human brain is really incredible. It's so resilient, resourceful, and self-preserving. In my opinion, PTSD is one of those survival mechanisms that the brain employs to protect itself. It's really amazing what our bodies can do.
Final Thought
"You don't have to see the whole staircase... Just take the first step."
Martin Luther King Jr.
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