Along for the Ride

Dear Blog,

I have been neglecting you. Life is going a million miles an hour and it's dragging me along for the ride.

The boys have gone to daycare twice. It kills me to not be home with them myself. They seem to like it and the lady who takes care of them is great. I appreciate them more when I come to pick them up.

I ordered textbooks today. I'm starting school in about a week and a half. I never thought I would be going to college. Sometimes I wondered if I was going to graduate high school. I was doing my final test at 1pm on the day of graduation. Talk about a close call. College feels like the right thing to do. I'm excited and nervous and stressed and hopeful. I feel like my Superman will be at Weber State.

The weekend after school starts, I'm moving back in with my parents. I wish I could stay out on my own, but home is the place for me. I have all my siblings together right now. I feel supported and loved. Extended family members have been wonderful about reaching out to me and encouraging me. Today, as I was about to do something mildly stupid, I got a text from my uncle. He told me that he was proud of me and warned me about how the Devil tries to mess up good things that are going for us. The timing was perfect. I am so grateful that he was inspired, and even more grateful that he listened.

I had one completely positive, ten-minute experience with Mr. M this week. That's one more than I've had all month. I don't know what happened, but it was good and I'll accept it. We'll call it "cautious optimism". I hope things are turning around for him, but I'm not banking on it. He bought me a DVD and kissed the kids as they were sleeping. I still love him and sometimes I miss who he used to be, but I know this is the right thing to do.

The boys and I have been getting on an earlier schedule. Don't judge me, but our normal bedtime has been around 11pm. Tonight, the kids were both in bed and asleep by 9:15! When classes start, we'll all have to be in bed early so we're not zombies when we have to be up before the sun. I feel like most of my life is just taken up with the business of living; cooking, cleaning, paying bills, grocery shopping, making calls, bathing children, etc. It's so busy that I feel like I just lose myself in all of it. Sometimes, I'm okay with that. It distracts me from the pain and disappointment that comes from my broken marriage.

Sometimes I feel very disconnected from myself. I think it's a "safety mechanism" my brain has learned from all the sexual assaults I've suffered over the years. When I finally feel safe and stable, I'll work on tackling that wall. Right now, it's all I can do to just hold on while life floors it. Today is about survival. I'm alive. I'm breathing.

Love Always...
Mrs. M