Useful Anger

"As I walked out the door toward my freedom, I knew that if I did not leave all the anger, bitterness, and hate behind, that I would still be in prison."

-Nelson Mandela


I have officially moved into the anger stage of grieving. I found out that the girl Mr. M is living with is now single, and may have been for awhile. If they are not having a physical affair, they are certainly having an emotional affair. I won't say much more about that, but there are some very clear signs that things aren't as innocent as he would have me believe.

I am incredibly angry that he is breaking his promise to me by getting involved with another woman. He promised me that he would wait until after we were divorced to date or anything related. He has been ignoring my texts and calls when he's with her. Yesterday, he said he was going to come spend time with Charlie, but he hung out with her instead. It's one thing that he does this to me, but it's totally unacceptable for him to blow off his children for her. I am shocked and sickened that his lifestyle is now more important to him than his boys.

Today, I felt very distinctly that I should cease all my efforts to give him another chance to be emotionally and physically intimate with me. I feel very strongly that if I ignore this warning, I will get an STD from Mr. M. I can't let that happen, so I'm cutting him out of my life. I don't trust him to treat my emotions, needs, hopes, and dreams with respect. I can't be vulnerable to him anymore, because he's proved over and over that he can't be trusted with that power. I've given him chance after chance. It's really over. I can't hide from that fact anymore. He will still be a part of the kids' lives if he chooses to be, but I won't let him back into my circle of trust.

Sometimes, I wonder where in the world everything went wrong. I love him dearly and I probably always will. But at the same time, I can't trust him. I'm so incredibly angry with him for his betrayal and his lies. It's a stage of my grieving that I cannot repress if I really want to heal, but I also need to not dwell there when the time for useful anger is over. I keep trying to tell myself to let it go. Someday, I will. However, that day is not today.

Final Thought

“Since it is so likely that (children) will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage. Otherwise you are making their destiny not brighter but darker.”

C.S. Lewis

Courage

"Happiness is a form of courage."


I've been very busy recently and not incredibly motivated to write. I don't really want to think about my marriage, but I have been moving forward with life on my own. There was another incident with Mr. M, and I ended up going to the doctor. I'll be just fine, but it scared me. I definitely feel like divorce is the right thing to do.

My awesome aunt invited me and the boys up to Logan for the weekend. It was really nice to leave the paperwork and all the stress about finances behind. Between us, we had five kids ages four and under, with two under the age of one! Some moments were insanity (church on Sunday), but everything else was great. Charlie especially loved being with other kids and spending so much time outside.

My aunt is an amazing cook. I've totally been in a meal rut since Mr. M moved out, so it was really nice to be on a normal schedule and have some wonderful food. It was inspiring! I went home and made lasagna instead of cereal for dinner.

Below are some of my favorite pictures from our weekend together.

 

Riah Bird perched on the windowsill

 

 

 

Sariah (almost three years old) and Noah (five months)

 

 

 

Sweet little kiddos playing outside together

 

 

 

Cousins! Charlie (twenty months), Gabe (four years), Elias (seven or eight months?), Sariah (turning three next month).

 

 

Sun-drenched picnic

 

 



It was so nice to get away. It made me seriously think about moving. I'm so thankful for my aunt's kindness and generosity. It gave me enough of a break that I could go back and face my world again, with hope and courage.

 

 

 

Final Thought

 

"Love, it will not betray you, dismay you, or enslave you. It will set you free."

 

Mumford and Sons



A Fool for Love

"The fool doth think himself to be wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."

William Shakespeare


I've felt like a fool lately. Most of the time, I know it's the right thing to get divorced. But sometimes, I doubt myself and start thinking about why I should go back to my husband. I feel like a drug addict that just can't quit him. I find myself calling or texting him and inviting him to spend time with me and the kids. I think sometimes I'm still in denial that this is really ending. Other times, I'm trying desperately to figure out a way for things to work. It's a rollercoaster. I hate him, then I love him, then I hate him again, and then I feel like my life will end without him in it.

Breakups used to be easier than this for me in one specific way. Someone could disappear and the pain would eventually follow. With Mr. M, I know we're still going to have to see each other because of the children. Every time I see him, talk to him, think of him, or even see that he's on Facebook, my heart jumps and I'm overwhelmed by anxiety. Today he posted something stupid about playing a game on his phone and now I can't stop shaking. My mind is racing. I'm cold and clammy. It's ridiculous. I just want to shake myself and say, "Quit it!!!". I feel like a total basket case.

May 2011, photo credit Charlotte Williams

This is what I want. This is what I'm missing, what I'm craving. The man I fell in love with. The man I danced in the parking lot with in the middle of our family photo shoot. The man who jumped at the chance to run to the store in the middle of the night to bring me whatever I was craving. The man who waited for me. The man who was spontaneous, funny, kind, affectionate, happy, outgoing, and a joy to be around. If that man came back, I'd take him in a heartbeat. I don't know where he's gone. I don't know what happened to the "us" that used to be.

I want him back almost more than anything. But what I want more than him is freedom from the life I've been stuck in. I don't want to be afraid or disrespected or ignored. I don't want to be yelled at or manipulated or isolated. I want to trust my husband. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to be passionately loved. I want stability. I want respect. I want those things more than I want him. My heart breaks to be facing such a choice, but I've got to do more than just survive. I want to really live again.

 

Final Thought

"There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

C.S. Lewis

Burning

"And now, is this not grievous to be borne? And is not this, our affliction, great? Now behold, how great reason have we to mourn."

Mosiah 7:23


Tonight I feel like someone has set my heart on fire. It has been a screaming, burning pain. Right now, it smolders hot and low like glowing coals. When the fire is fanned, the flames leap back to life and sear my heart again. My heart is raw and blistered.

It's so incredibly agonizing to be repeatedly hurt by the person you have loved, trusted, and given everything to. Not only is he leaving me, but he's leaving me scarred and broken. Abuse within marriage is one of the cruelest things I can think of.

Mr. M has admitted that he's done some terrible things and that he's used me selfishly. He refuses, point blank, to admit that it's gone as far as sexual abuse. I am shocked that he can so blatantly lie to me and to himself. It feels like a betrayal all over again. After we had Oliver, he couldn't wait six weeks to have sex with me. He probably waited between two and three weeks. I ended up hospitalized with a terrible infection. I was taken to the hospital when I developed a dangerously high fever and delirium. I can only remember isolated moments of my stay in the hospital. If I hadn't been taken to the Emergency Room, I would have died.

How can Mr. M say that wasn't abusive? He's bruised me more times than I can count and made me bleed. Sometimes when he's done with me, I shake uncontrollably or cry. How is that not abuse? I have been terrified of refusing to have sex with him. It's never felt like an option. He has admitted to consciously manipulating me so that I would sleep with him more often.

I feel in my heart that he is terrified to face what he's done. I know he loves me. I believe that the pain would be incredible if he was to realize that he has tortured the woman that he always wanted, always loved. If I were in his place, I don't know if I could handle it. But at the same time, just loving me doesn't fix it. Things will never work for us unless he shows amazing courage and faces what he's done. I'm not sure he's strong enough for that right now. I wish we could just sever ties and never see each other again.

I don't know how to end this on a happy and hopeful note today. This is raw and real and agonizing. It won't be better today and it won't be better tomorrow. Maybe someday this won't hurt anymore, but that day feels awfully far away.

Final Thought

"The Lord doth build up Jerusalem: he gathereth together the outcasts of Israel. He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."

Psalms 147:2-3

Be Still, My Soul

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted."

Matthew 5:4


I've had such a hard time writing recently. I guess I want to hang on to the possibility that this isn't real. On Thursday, Mr. M and I came to an impasse. We have decided to get a divorce. I really try not to think about it too much right now because there's so much I need to do. My children need me to function.

Since my personal income is sitting at a fat zero, I'm going to be looking for a job. I need to move, also. We were barely getting by before. As I've started to look for low-income housing and employment, I realize that this is more than my marriage that I'm grieving for. All I ever wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom. I am definitely feeling the loss of that dream. I am mourning the future that we both should have had together. Thinking about it is incredibly painful.

I wanted to talk a lot about the stages of grief, but I'm realizing that I'm not ready to have a discussion about where I am in my grieving process. Below are listed the stages, according to the Kubler-Ross model. They do not need to happen in order, or even a linear pattern. I understand it is common to even cycle through stages you've already experienced.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

A couple of weeks ago, I needed some inspiration. I bought some wall art to remind myself of why I'm doing this. I need a better future than my past has been. I deserve much better than an abusive marriage. Mr. M deserves better from himself, as well. I hope that somehow through this process, he will be able to change himself and become the person that I know he has the potential to be. I love him dearly and I probably always will. But we both deserve better. My heart aches to be losing him.

Final Thought

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side.
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

My Brother, My Friend

"Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero."

Marc Brown


Today's post is about my "baby" brother, Ben. He's eighteen years old and will be graduating high school in a couple of months. Then, he has plans to immediately leave for his mission.

 



Ben is a very talented person. This is him right before a gig. He plays the bagpipes in the local high school's pipe band. How cool is that!? He has also been on the school swim team (and lettered!), the tennis team, and was in a school play. He just earned his Eagle Scout award. He's brilliant in math. I remember teaching him the concept of multiplication when he was in kindergarten. Can you say, "WHAT?!"?

Ben is also incredibly soft-hearted. He is so giving and quick to forgive. My mom told him a week ago about what's going on in my marriage right now and I could see him caring about me in his quiet way. He asked me if I wanted a grilled pizza (best thing ever. Google it), so he made the dough and we cooked our pizzas together. I accidentally put too much oil on the bottom of his, so when he slapped it on the grill, flames shot up!

Then, just yesterday, he came over and helped me clean my house. He swept my floor, took out the trashes, vacuumed my whole house, and played with Charlie. We talked music most of the time. I seriously loved that time together. Those acts of service that he's done for me won't fix my marriage or the heartbreak that goes with, but I'm feeling so loved as he does those things for me and spends time with me. I'm so thankful for the memories we're creating, because we're growing up and going separate ways. No matter where he goes on his mission, two years will seem like a long time. And we'll never be back in this moment when it's gone. Who knows what will happen in the future? I'm sure we won't live just around the corner from each other forever.

 



I really look up to Ben. He's a good kid and a good friend. He's brilliant and funny and kind. I'm thankful I have him as my brother.

Final Thought

"When thou art converted, strengthen thy bretheren"

Luke 22:32

Oliver's Story- Part Two

(If you haven't already, please first read part one.)



Mr. M and I had opted to do as much comfort care as Oliver needed. Part of the plan to make his short life as comfortable as possible was to leave the hospital as soon as was reasonable. When he was a day and a half old, we got to bring him home. I hadn't dared hope for that much time with him.

Oliver lived much longer than we ever hoped for. We had a birthday party for him when he was one week old. Then, on the evening of the eighth day, he started declining as we were warned that he would. Very early on the ninth day, he died silently in my arms.

The next few days and weeks were a blur. I remember flashes of things, like planning and speaking at his funeral. I remember people sending flowers and meals. I was so touched by the many expressions of love from neighbors, friends, and family. I remember after the calls and visits stopped. I remember sleeping late and having no motivation to care for myself.

As I continued to trudge through my grief, things very slowly began to heal. I will always dearly love and miss my son. However, I can look back now and view the grief separately from where I am today. Sometimes, the pain returns and I miss him as much as ever. But for the most part, I can talk about him openly and feel at peace.

 

 



 

Through this experience, I have learned and experienced so much. I have great compassion for anyone who has lost a child, under any circumstances or at any stage of life. I have come to develop a personal relationship with God, who also watched his own son die. I have a greater appreciation for what a sacrifice that was for God to allow Christ to come to Earth, suffer for our sins, and die at the hands of cruel men. How much must our Heavenly Father love us!

 

I testify to you that death is not the end of life. Our loved ones are near us and are aware of what is going on in our lives. They love us. They want the best for us. They are the angels around us, cheering us on in difficult times. If only our eyes were opened! Family ties can be sustained beyond the grave. I know this because I have felt the spirits of many departed family members, including my dear son. Because of these truths, we can have hope. I know that my son lives and I will see him again. How I look forward to that day! Our Lord, Jesus Christ, has taken upon himself all our pains and sorrows. No other person can honestly say that they know how we feel in a given situation. But he can.

 

 

 

Because Christ has felt the weight of our sufferings, he pleads with us to bring those heartaches to him. He knows how it feels and he knows how to help us heal. He wants to give us his love and support to ease our suffering. In whatever we experience, let us come to him. Let him heal us.

 

 

 

Final Thought

 

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted."

 

Matthew 5:4

Oliver's Story- Part One

"Families can be together forever through Heavenly Father's plan. I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can. The Lord has shown me how I can."

Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints



Happy third birthday to my firstborn! My dear sweet son, Oliver, would be three years old today. Let me tell you his story.

Oliver, one week old

 



I got pregnant with Oliver right out of high school, less than a month after graduation, and shortly moved in with my then-boyfriend (now husband). I thought things were going fine until my 20 week appointment. Mr. M and I found out that our unborn baby had a fatal heart condition. As I was reeling from the shock of this information, I immediately knew I needed God's help. And I needed to be where I could receive his help.

So, as a pregnant and unmarried eighteen year-old, I began attending church. I was raised in a very religious household and had fallen away from the faith as a teenager. I am forever grateful for the lack of judgment I experienced as I returned to church. I had a seriously great bishop who had lost his son to the same condition several years prior. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe God put him in my path to help me, as only a person who has been there can.

Mr. M and I talked about marriage and he proposed to be shortly after. About the same time, Mr. M started getting interested in my faith. He began coming to church with me and meeting with missionaries. He decided to be baptized. We were married on New Year's morning 2011, and he was baptized a couple hours later. It was a wonderful day.

My pregnancy progressed, Oliver's due date approached, and then it passed. My body didn't to want to let him go. His condition, Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, was a condition that would not be fatal until after birth. I remember being in so much pain at the end of my pregnancy, but I couldn't bear to complain. While I was pregnant, he was safe.

I was induced a couple of days after his due date. I remember feeling so much anxiety. His birth would start his dying process. Our doctor was so great, but he hadn't given us a clear idea of how long Oliver would live, probably because he didn't know what to expect either. I felt like we would be lucky if he stayed for a couple of hours.

This is me holding him for the very first time. All my fears left me as I met my dear child. I was overjoyed to have him with me. I remember being with him in the hospital and looking at he clock, thinking, "Wow! He's been here a whole hour!"

Then, "Wow, he's been here for three hours!"

And, "He's been with us for 24 hours now!"



(Look for part two, coming soon!)

Eleventh Hour

"O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful opressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?"

Doctrine and Covenants 121:1-3



Today, I identify with Joseph Smith in my own small way. The above verses were a prayer of his as he was wrongfully imprisoned in Liberty Jail in 1839. Today, my husband casually mentioned to me that a female friend of his moved into the place he's staying. My husband is living with another woman. My husband.

I have felt so trapped in this marriage. I have done my very best to work on my own flaws, to be endlessly loving and supportive, to be a good wife, to be a good mother- and he does this to me. He talked to me before this girl moved in and I said no. No freaking way. This is how he repays me for keeping his secrets, for sticking with him, for continuing to put him before myself even when he was raping me. I can't anymore. My heart tells me that he will have sex with this girl, if he hasn't already. I have given him endless second chances and that needs to end. Eventually, the eleventh hour ends.

I am going with him to his therapy appointment tomorrow. It will be interesting to see how that goes. I feel like Mr. M has played the "suffering hero" with his therapist. That man needs to see more of the truth, instead of just the distorted perceptions of the addict.
 
My husband is a sex and pornography addict. He has raped me and sexually assaulted me. He has manipulated me. I have lived in constant fear since I found out about his addiction. He is not capable of thinking clearly. The damage done to his brain from addiction has caused him to be a negligent parent at times. I don't know if he has the willpower to do what it takes to overcome this. But it's all on his shoulders now.

I feel like I have done everything in my power to save my marriage. Now, it's time to let go and give it to God.

Lord, give me strength to let go.
Give me power to overcome.
Help me to heal.
Free me from worry and fear.
Give me courage.
Bless my parenting to be enough.
Protect me and my children.
Guide my paths.
Help me feel thy love

Final Thought

"My (child), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversities and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8

My Battle

"The truth will set you free."


Last night was a therapy night and I had asked a young woman in my ward to watch my kiddos. She's really great with my kids and she dearly loves them. She came over and I was doing the usual pre-departure briefing. She asked a couple of innocent, casual questions about where I was going. I found myself automatically telling her that I was going to therapy. A few minutes later, she asked where Mr. M was and I found myself telling her that we are separated.

Do you ever have one of those moments that you want to scoop up what you just said and shove it back in your mouth? Oh gosh, I was totally there. I've been pretty careful to not talk about that with the Young Women, though several adults in my ward know what's going on. I don't know why it would be so terrible for the girls to know, but it just hasn't felt like something to put out completely in the open.

If Mr. M and I are to get back together, I don't want everyone hating his guts. I do dearly love him and I want things to work, despite the hell I've been through with him. I guess I feel like I've invested so much in this relationship. He and I have lived through so much. We've buried a child together. You can't share that with anyone else in the way that you should with your spouse.

Speaking of our dear son, Oliver's third birthday is on Saturday. It's crazy to think that I'm old enough to have a three year-old. I'd like to write more about him, but I need much longer than the time I have today to be able to do him justice. The short story is that he was born on the eighth of March and died on the seventeenth of the same month, due to a heart condition that we discovered halfway through his pregnancy. I love him and miss him dearly. I have come to acceptance over his death and I can talk about him openly without pain.

He's a picture of Oliver when he was one week old. There will be more to come about this beautiful boy!

As I've said before, my thoughts are disorganized today. There's something about all that I've experiencing right now that makes my head buzz and my thoughts get jumbled. My therapist and I talked a little about that last night. Specifically, we talked about not having things together. Like the fat pile of dirty laundry at the bottom of my stairs right now. Or the disaster that is my kitchen. Or how sometimes I feel like the world is spinning all around me and we're getting takeout for the fourth time this week and my kid is throwing food and I made plans with two people at once and completely forgot and the dog is barking and chaos is insuing and it's okay. It's okay to not have your crap together. Even if you're the mom and you feel like you should have this under control. It's okay. We've all been there. Let me leave you with my very favorite quote that I'll probably use more than once because I love it so much.

Final Thought

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

It's Not The End

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.

Mary Oliver



Here I sit with my box of darkness, trying to make sense of it. I suppose only in darkness can I see how brightly my light will shine. I've been doing a lot of trying to let go lately. I'm coming to discover that trying to speed through the grieving process is as bad as digging in your heels in denial. I want the pain to be over. I want to be done and over this. I will be incredibly grateful for the day that I "get it" and it doesn't hurt anymore, but today is not that day. The betrayal hurts. The doubt hurts. The worry hurts. The selfishness hurts. The wasted time hurts. The lies hurt. Carrying on alone hurts. It physically hurts, down in my bones and joints. Sometimes I wonder if it's even possible to salvage my marriage. Heaven knows I've tried everything. Everything... except letting go.

 

 

My best friend sent me flowers a couple of days after I told her about my separation. It felt good to break the silence. She and I have probably one of the only healthy relationships that I've experienced. She is patient and kind with me. She's shown me what it's like to give and take. She's been a wonderful example to me of what real friendship is. I dearly love Amanda and I hope to be more like her.

 

I need to be my own friend. How often are we more kind to a friend, or even a stranger, than we are to ourselves? It's painfully true for me. I'm learning to listen to myself, to compliment myself, to give myself gifts, to give myself my own time and space. As a mom, it's difficult to not feel selfish giving myself these things. But I need to be stable. Not just for others. For me, too. It's okay to do things for me. I don't know that I've ever given myself that permission.

 

I am spiritually strong.

I am giving of my time and talents.

I speak concisely.

I am a good mother.

I am a good wife.

I am loving.

I am organized.

I am talented and creative.

I am determined.

I bravely face my difficulties.

 

I can do hard things.

 

 

Final Thought

 



Everything is going to be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.