Matthew 5:4
I've had such a hard time writing recently. I guess I want to hang on to the possibility that this isn't real. On Thursday, Mr. M and I came to an impasse. We have decided to get a divorce. I really try not to think about it too much right now because there's so much I need to do. My children need me to function.
Since my personal income is sitting at a fat zero, I'm going to be looking for a job. I need to move, also. We were barely getting by before. As I've started to look for low-income housing and employment, I realize that this is more than my marriage that I'm grieving for. All I ever wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom. I am definitely feeling the loss of that dream. I am mourning the future that we both should have had together. Thinking about it is incredibly painful.
I wanted to talk a lot about the stages of grief, but I'm realizing that I'm not ready to have a discussion about where I am in my grieving process. Below are listed the stages, according to the Kubler-Ross model. They do not need to happen in order, or even a linear pattern. I understand it is common to even cycle through stages you've already experienced.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
A couple of weeks ago, I needed some inspiration. I bought some wall art to remind myself of why I'm doing this. I need a better future than my past has been. I deserve much better than an abusive marriage. Mr. M deserves better from himself, as well. I hope that somehow through this process, he will be able to change himself and become the person that I know he has the potential to be. I love him dearly and I probably always will. But we both deserve better. My heart aches to be losing him.
Final Thought
Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side.
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
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