Eleventh Hour

"O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful opressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?"

Doctrine and Covenants 121:1-3



Today, I identify with Joseph Smith in my own small way. The above verses were a prayer of his as he was wrongfully imprisoned in Liberty Jail in 1839. Today, my husband casually mentioned to me that a female friend of his moved into the place he's staying. My husband is living with another woman. My husband.

I have felt so trapped in this marriage. I have done my very best to work on my own flaws, to be endlessly loving and supportive, to be a good wife, to be a good mother- and he does this to me. He talked to me before this girl moved in and I said no. No freaking way. This is how he repays me for keeping his secrets, for sticking with him, for continuing to put him before myself even when he was raping me. I can't anymore. My heart tells me that he will have sex with this girl, if he hasn't already. I have given him endless second chances and that needs to end. Eventually, the eleventh hour ends.

I am going with him to his therapy appointment tomorrow. It will be interesting to see how that goes. I feel like Mr. M has played the "suffering hero" with his therapist. That man needs to see more of the truth, instead of just the distorted perceptions of the addict.
 
My husband is a sex and pornography addict. He has raped me and sexually assaulted me. He has manipulated me. I have lived in constant fear since I found out about his addiction. He is not capable of thinking clearly. The damage done to his brain from addiction has caused him to be a negligent parent at times. I don't know if he has the willpower to do what it takes to overcome this. But it's all on his shoulders now.

I feel like I have done everything in my power to save my marriage. Now, it's time to let go and give it to God.

Lord, give me strength to let go.
Give me power to overcome.
Help me to heal.
Free me from worry and fear.
Give me courage.
Bless my parenting to be enough.
Protect me and my children.
Guide my paths.
Help me feel thy love

Final Thought

"My (child), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversities and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8