Mosiah 7:23
Tonight I feel like someone has set my heart on fire. It has been a screaming, burning pain. Right now, it smolders hot and low like glowing coals. When the fire is fanned, the flames leap back to life and sear my heart again. My heart is raw and blistered.
It's so incredibly agonizing to be repeatedly hurt by the person you have loved, trusted, and given everything to. Not only is he leaving me, but he's leaving me scarred and broken. Abuse within marriage is one of the cruelest things I can think of.
Mr. M has admitted that he's done some terrible things and that he's used me selfishly. He refuses, point blank, to admit that it's gone as far as sexual abuse. I am shocked that he can so blatantly lie to me and to himself. It feels like a betrayal all over again. After we had Oliver, he couldn't wait six weeks to have sex with me. He probably waited between two and three weeks. I ended up hospitalized with a terrible infection. I was taken to the hospital when I developed a dangerously high fever and delirium. I can only remember isolated moments of my stay in the hospital. If I hadn't been taken to the Emergency Room, I would have died.
How can Mr. M say that wasn't abusive? He's bruised me more times than I can count and made me bleed. Sometimes when he's done with me, I shake uncontrollably or cry. How is that not abuse? I have been terrified of refusing to have sex with him. It's never felt like an option. He has admitted to consciously manipulating me so that I would sleep with him more often.
I feel in my heart that he is terrified to face what he's done. I know he loves me. I believe that the pain would be incredible if he was to realize that he has tortured the woman that he always wanted, always loved. If I were in his place, I don't know if I could handle it. But at the same time, just loving me doesn't fix it. Things will never work for us unless he shows amazing courage and faces what he's done. I'm not sure he's strong enough for that right now. I wish we could just sever ties and never see each other again.
I don't know how to end this on a happy and hopeful note today. This is raw and real and agonizing. It won't be better today and it won't be better tomorrow. Maybe someday this won't hurt anymore, but that day feels awfully far away.
Final Thought
"The Lord doth build up Jerusalem: he gathereth together the outcasts of Israel. He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."
Psalms 147:2-3
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