A Fool for Love

"The fool doth think himself to be wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."

William Shakespeare


I've felt like a fool lately. Most of the time, I know it's the right thing to get divorced. But sometimes, I doubt myself and start thinking about why I should go back to my husband. I feel like a drug addict that just can't quit him. I find myself calling or texting him and inviting him to spend time with me and the kids. I think sometimes I'm still in denial that this is really ending. Other times, I'm trying desperately to figure out a way for things to work. It's a rollercoaster. I hate him, then I love him, then I hate him again, and then I feel like my life will end without him in it.

Breakups used to be easier than this for me in one specific way. Someone could disappear and the pain would eventually follow. With Mr. M, I know we're still going to have to see each other because of the children. Every time I see him, talk to him, think of him, or even see that he's on Facebook, my heart jumps and I'm overwhelmed by anxiety. Today he posted something stupid about playing a game on his phone and now I can't stop shaking. My mind is racing. I'm cold and clammy. It's ridiculous. I just want to shake myself and say, "Quit it!!!". I feel like a total basket case.

May 2011, photo credit Charlotte Williams

This is what I want. This is what I'm missing, what I'm craving. The man I fell in love with. The man I danced in the parking lot with in the middle of our family photo shoot. The man who jumped at the chance to run to the store in the middle of the night to bring me whatever I was craving. The man who waited for me. The man who was spontaneous, funny, kind, affectionate, happy, outgoing, and a joy to be around. If that man came back, I'd take him in a heartbeat. I don't know where he's gone. I don't know what happened to the "us" that used to be.

I want him back almost more than anything. But what I want more than him is freedom from the life I've been stuck in. I don't want to be afraid or disrespected or ignored. I don't want to be yelled at or manipulated or isolated. I want to trust my husband. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to be passionately loved. I want stability. I want respect. I want those things more than I want him. My heart breaks to be facing such a choice, but I've got to do more than just survive. I want to really live again.

 

Final Thought

"There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

C.S. Lewis