Last night was a therapy night and I had asked a young woman in my ward to watch my kiddos. She's really great with my kids and she dearly loves them. She came over and I was doing the usual pre-departure briefing. She asked a couple of innocent, casual questions about where I was going. I found myself automatically telling her that I was going to therapy. A few minutes later, she asked where Mr. M was and I found myself telling her that we are separated.
Do you ever have one of those moments that you want to scoop up what you just said and shove it back in your mouth? Oh gosh, I was totally there. I've been pretty careful to not talk about that with the Young Women, though several adults in my ward know what's going on. I don't know why it would be so terrible for the girls to know, but it just hasn't felt like something to put out completely in the open.
If Mr. M and I are to get back together, I don't want everyone hating his guts. I do dearly love him and I want things to work, despite the hell I've been through with him. I guess I feel like I've invested so much in this relationship. He and I have lived through so much. We've buried a child together. You can't share that with anyone else in the way that you should with your spouse.
Speaking of our dear son, Oliver's third birthday is on Saturday. It's crazy to think that I'm old enough to have a three year-old. I'd like to write more about him, but I need much longer than the time I have today to be able to do him justice. The short story is that he was born on the eighth of March and died on the seventeenth of the same month, due to a heart condition that we discovered halfway through his pregnancy. I love him and miss him dearly. I have come to acceptance over his death and I can talk about him openly without pain.
He's a picture of Oliver when he was one week old. There will be more to come about this beautiful boy!
As I've said before, my thoughts are disorganized today. There's something about all that I've experiencing right now that makes my head buzz and my thoughts get jumbled. My therapist and I talked a little about that last night. Specifically, we talked about not having things together. Like the fat pile of dirty laundry at the bottom of my stairs right now. Or the disaster that is my kitchen. Or how sometimes I feel like the world is spinning all around me and we're getting takeout for the fourth time this week and my kid is throwing food and I made plans with two people at once and completely forgot and the dog is barking and chaos is insuing and it's okay. It's okay to not have your crap together. Even if you're the mom and you feel like you should have this under control. It's okay. We've all been there. Let me leave you with my very favorite quote that I'll probably use more than once because I love it so much.
Final Thought
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
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