It's Not The End

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.

Mary Oliver



Here I sit with my box of darkness, trying to make sense of it. I suppose only in darkness can I see how brightly my light will shine. I've been doing a lot of trying to let go lately. I'm coming to discover that trying to speed through the grieving process is as bad as digging in your heels in denial. I want the pain to be over. I want to be done and over this. I will be incredibly grateful for the day that I "get it" and it doesn't hurt anymore, but today is not that day. The betrayal hurts. The doubt hurts. The worry hurts. The selfishness hurts. The wasted time hurts. The lies hurt. Carrying on alone hurts. It physically hurts, down in my bones and joints. Sometimes I wonder if it's even possible to salvage my marriage. Heaven knows I've tried everything. Everything... except letting go.

 

 

My best friend sent me flowers a couple of days after I told her about my separation. It felt good to break the silence. She and I have probably one of the only healthy relationships that I've experienced. She is patient and kind with me. She's shown me what it's like to give and take. She's been a wonderful example to me of what real friendship is. I dearly love Amanda and I hope to be more like her.

 

I need to be my own friend. How often are we more kind to a friend, or even a stranger, than we are to ourselves? It's painfully true for me. I'm learning to listen to myself, to compliment myself, to give myself gifts, to give myself my own time and space. As a mom, it's difficult to not feel selfish giving myself these things. But I need to be stable. Not just for others. For me, too. It's okay to do things for me. I don't know that I've ever given myself that permission.

 

I am spiritually strong.

I am giving of my time and talents.

I speak concisely.

I am a good mother.

I am a good wife.

I am loving.

I am organized.

I am talented and creative.

I am determined.

I bravely face my difficulties.

 

I can do hard things.

 

 

Final Thought

 



Everything is going to be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.